Here’s why the Star Wars franchise is utter bullshit

Everyone knows I love Star Wars. I watched the movies extensively, kept up with its companion Clone Wars cartoon series, read a whole bunch of novels and bought endless videogames. I love reading fan theories and talking about the Expanded Universe, mostly because there’s just so much to explore and imagine. So why the heck do I say it’s full of bullshit? Well….

It was a ripoff

George Lucas himself admitted that Star Wars was inspired by childhood influences. What he didn’t mention was that he tried, unsuccessfully, to get the rights to make a Flash Gordon movie, then ended up having to re-script everything to bullshit his way into making a Flash Gordon ripoff… that luckily, was re-edited into a proper freakin’ movie. Don’t believe me? Okay here’s the starting of every Flash Gordon TV Episode.

Source: medleyana.files.wordpress.com

Source: medleyana.files.wordpress.com

LOOKS FAMILIAR RIGHT? Yes, I’m sorry guys, there was nothing original or cool about the crawl.

He also borrowed scenes, and ideas, straight out of Samurai Movies.

WLA_lacma_Japan_Samurai_Armor_of_the_Gusoku_type

BOOM. There’s your DARTH VADER right there. Think about this too: Lightsaber battles are basically Samurai face-offs with lightsabers.

Episodes V and VI were after thoughts, not even written by Lucas

The following were afterthoughts shoehorned into the original trilogy AFTER the success of the first movie:

  • Luke and Leia were siblings
  • Leia and Han Solo falling in love
  • Vader’s “I am your father” moment
  • A second Death Star

Basically, every key plot point and character arc was a post-edit of the original script. That’s why Luke and Leia were totally incestuous in the first movie.

Noooo

Come to mention it, Lucas didn’t even create the scripts to Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi himself. He leaned on Lawrence Kasden, who is also the co-writer of Force Awakens. Judging from his track record… at least he isn’t bullshitting.

Phew

They do EVERYTHING to sell more stuff to you…

Disney shelled out a ridiculous $4 billion to buy Star Wars, and it will sell the ever-loving shit out of Star Wars. If you think that a $250 App-enabled BB-8 droid was crazy, just look at how much crazier Star Wars Merch can get.

Yoda-Grapes-BB-8-Oranges

Yes, those are BB-8 Oranges, because obviously oranges and BB-8 share the same colour so it’s okay. Also, those GREEN grapes? Totally can slap Yoda on them and sell them all.

c3po-tape-dispenser

C3-PO is dispensing tape… from his crotch.

darth-vader-toaster

Yes. that’s a Vader-shaped toaster.

It’s really all quite bullshit…

But you know what? I still pre-bought my tickets and will probably drop hundreds of dollars on merchandise in the coming few weeks. Why? Because I’VE WAITED 20 YEARS FOR MY CHILDHOOD TO BE COOL. 

StarWars

THAT, and the movie is probably gonna be awesome. I mean… how can I ever say no to this!?

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